The "B-word".

So just about every girl has been called or felt like the derogatory word for a female dog. I know i have experienced both. So many people say it, it's kinda normal as you get older. I know i've deffinetly been called one for my reactions to small things. That's just how i am. I get scared of losing someone so i end up pushing them away if they make the slightest mistake. Therefore, I've felt like the "B-word." Most people asosciate that word with a girl who doesn't care about anyone but herself or is mean to everyone. I asosciate it with being ill all the time and cussing people out for the little things. I will fight someone in a split second if they say the wrong thing to me or about my friends. I've got a strong attitude and i refuse to let anyone walk all over me. I feel if i just forgive and forget about the way somebody treats me that they will continue to do it and just expect me to get over it. So i hold grudges and i'll eventually forgive but i won't ever forget. If i get mad at you over something stupid, i'll usually forgive if you apologize and mean it. I won't allow someone to screw me over constantly, i've learned my lessons. Once a liar, always a liar; Once a cheater, always a cheater; Once a backstabber, always a backstabber; Once a trifling hoe; always a trifling hoe. People don't entirely change. So yeah i can be the "B-word" and i can beat your "A-word" if you really, really "P-word" me off. I feel like i can have the worst attitude and say the most hateful words when i'm mad but i truly have a big heart. I'll never make fun of someone who has never did me wrong and i'll never talk crap to or start a fight with someone who doesn't deserve it; that's just who i am. My pride may take the best of me, that's just the person i am.

"Damn! It feels good to be me." -Uncle Kracker. (:

So that's the song i am listening to at this very moment. It pretty much describes my life at this point. Everything's falling together. Yeah, My parents are over-protective and CAN be tyrants but can anyone say any different about their parents? My Boyfriend is ah-mazinggg. Everygirl wants that guy that treats them like a princess and the one that constantly tells her he loves her. I got my prince. Things couldn't go better. We fight like cats and dogs but i feel like it's because we are so much alike and the same things bother us. He gets jealous easy and so do i. I don't mean to make it sound like double standards but i guess i just know i'm not capable of cheating on him and you never know with guys. I mean i trust him but girls can be trifiling, sneaky hoes. Other than that, We're perfect. Family is wonderful, well the ones who include me as part of the family. That's always been a problem since i was little. School's "ight". All A's for the first time since kindergarten. Friends, i'm learning who to trust. It's hard but i mean it's getting easier to tell who's real and who's fake. Alot of boydrama has been eliminated for the simple fact, my boyfriend's loyal and no girl has had the nerve to mess with him. So my life's pretty grand. Only thing that would make it better is having my license but i gotta wait until June 14th even though i turn sixteen in January. That blows but oh well. Nothing's really on my mind so yeah, hitcha up later. (:

Falling into place;

Seven months, 1 week and 5 days ago i started dating Dustin Grant. It's unbeleivable that it has been that long ago. Things have been rocky but we pushed through. Really, He's became the center of my life, my bestfriend, my rock, shoulder to cry on, secretkeeper and the one i run to with every problem. He's the ideal boyfriend. He puts up with me at my worst and can put a smile on my face with the simplest words or actions. It's amazing, at fifteen i'm ready to sign the rest of my life away to him. He's just that wonderful. We're just alike. He can be hateful and emotional when his feelings get hurt and so can i. My family loves him and he's really accepted. He's made me feel loved and appreciated and not just a piece of ass. I can't ever let him go even though when we get in really big fights, i try to pretend i could. I spend time with him almost every single day and run to meet him after my classes at school. It makes me sad that he is graduating but i can't change that. He finally got another job and so far, so good. I don't like having to coordinate when i want to see him because i never want him to leave but that's life, gotta get over it. Today was Thanksgiving and it went alright, i guess. He didn't get to eat with my family when everyone was here but he did come. We were suppose to go with my aunt to my other aunt's house to spend time with my cousin Justin and the rest of my family but at last minute, Mom changed her mind because my little brother and sister threw a fit... Figures.. Of course i threw a fit, like i've been raised to do. Big fight with parents so me and Dust sat in his car for an hour like we always do when i get in a fight with my parents and he's there. He's really seen them at their worst but he hasn't left. He's soooo sweet. I would not be no where as happy now if i didn't have him. I honestly beleive we will make it forever

"I'll take off my halo,
If you take off your wings.
You don't have to be invincible,
'Cause i sure ain't no saint.
You'll always be my angel,
No matter what you do.
You take me to Heaven,
Just by being you.
-Steel Magnolia.

update.

well i didn't write anything the whole summer. it wasn't that exciting. i babysat 105% of it but i do have a wonderful boyfriend who never got tired of just being with me. i didn't go many places or do many things but i did get to spend time with the love of my life. Now, we have been together for five months on September 13th. It's been great to know i have someone so amazing to always rely on. Other than my fantastic relationship, my parents have gave me more freedom, i guess you could say. As My little brother and sister get older i will be allowed to go and do more, I HOPE. i don't get my liscense until next July, God help me. My bestfriends at this point are Katie Holloman and Storie Outland. that's really it. there the only ones that don't act like hoes and avoid talking to me for weeks at a time. i loooove them. i have alot of guy bestfriend as well, at least they don't try to take my boyfriend. Laugh Out Loud. i've already started back school as a sophmore! it's alright. i like my teachers and most of the people in my classes. i didn't lose any weight it seems this whole summer, whatta drag. i've been made fun of countless times, screw them. i'm trying. eating less and excersing is al i am doing. i wish i could just make a wish and POOf! i'm skinny! but of course it doesn't work that way, i've tried. Well, i am going to stop whining and go do something productive with my day so Have a great day. (: -LaurenElizabethGrant.

freshman year;

Tomorrow will be my last school day as a freshman. It hasn't been amazing but it's been good. the heartbreaks and relentless drama kept me awake. I've cried alot and laughed alot too. I've finally been able to pick out the REAL friends that i can rely on. i've learned that i can't fix everyone's problems and i can't make everyone happy. i've learned that no mattter how nice you are to someone, they will take advantage of you. i've learned to stop putting my heart on the line in less than a week. i've learned that i have alot of friends and even less close friends. i've learned that you are not going to have the same number and same people as your bestfriends that you had in kindergarten. people change and so do their motives. you can't live trying to figure everyone out and worry about problems that don't concern you. my teachers were pretty cool. lucky me, i never had a really mean one that was set out to get me. haha. i'm going to miss going down mr.hasty and mr.long's hallway. Over all, through the boring classes and headaches, i made it. i hope sophmore year is better and i can continue to keep my happiness. summer is coming and i'm ready for it. i plan on losing wwight this summer, as i said in the last blog. wish me luck. goodbye freshmen year, hellooo summer. i hope you have a great summer. (: -L.E.

helloooo friday.

i am so glad it's friday as everyone else is. i'm sick of school but i know i'm going to miss my freshmen year. i feel releived and sad at the same time. i won't have mr.long's class everyday like i did this year for world history and freshmen seminar. i really hate that because i won't get to have a talk everyday before class. he's my favorite teacher and i really hope he doesn't leave before i graduate. my bestfriend Amber may leave next year for art school or her 11th grade year. that's going to suck, i will miss her like crazy. she's coming to my house this weekend. it's been a really long time since she has stayed at my crib. lol. well, i don't have much else to say. school ends Thursday and i'm so ready.

Finally;

I haven't wrote a blog in quite a while so here i am. My life has been going great so far. The drama is starting to fade and i finally know who my real friends are. I've had a good boyfriend since April 13th, 2010. Almost two months ago, it's going pretty well. I think I may have that relationship that's going to last for a while, i surely hope so anyway. My family is doing alright and the money problems seem to be getting better. I feel a lot more cheerful lately, probably due to the meager amount of stress and having Dustin to talk about things to. I've finally got the list of bestfriends shortened to enough that i know for certain i can trust. Those beautiful girls would be Courtney Stegall, Storie Outland, Kristen Martin, Amber Latham, Katie Holloman and Blake Lassiter. Since I have a boyfriend, I don't really run to many boys with my issues anymore.

Friday night, My parents were going to a party and DJ, it was a grad party for one of their friends' son. Alot of older teenagers were there but i didn't want to go. The previous plan was for me and Dustin to watch movies at my house and my siblings were going to my nanny's. Well, because of past reasons which i will not publicly display, my mom changed her mind about trusting us at the house alone and decided we had to go to that party. i threw a fit, as would any spoiled brat would do and it pretty much ruined the night. Dustin went home, me and mom talked and that was that. Mom let me go to Dustin's house Saturday and Sunday, We went to the lake. It was fun. My parents, siblings and Dustin went to my aunt's house and stayed the night. we got terrible sunburn. We rode the boat alot and Dustin can't swim so i had to swim alone or with my little sister, Hannah. I only have the rest of this week and next week until Thursday of school. I'm ready for it to end. I really can't beleive that Freshman year ended that quickly. Next school year (only three months away), I will be a sophmore. Hopefully, I will lose weight this summer. i honestly beleive that if i dropped twenty pounds i would be a much happier person. I just need motivation. Over all, my life is great and the people in it are amazing. God has Truly blessed me.

teenager.

i get confused when i don't know exactly how i'm suppose to handle things. i can guarantee that crying or whining evertime i get my feelings hurts isn't the way. it's stupid when you feel like you can truly depend on some one then turn around then you can't. it's confusing when the people you rely on walk out without so much as a look back. it's heart breaking when you expect the best from people and get the worst. i don't know what to anymore. i continue to let people walk over me, i give out 100,000,000 chances and expect people to change. i complain to much, act stupid, get mad too quickly and cry everytime i don't get my way. i want somebody to talk about things with and them to understand. i'm sick of getting hollered at when i don't do everything perfect. i'm sick of my emotions surfacing at all the wrong times and i'm sick of never being good enough. i'm tired of moping around the house because all i do is babysit children. i'm sick of not being able to live the normal life of a teenager. i feel like a spoiled brat but it's the way i've been raised. i don't understand how people can be so mean and ruthless. i don't understand why people can just leave you when you need them. i don't understand teenagers at all, including myself. i don't understand how everything i want or need is so unreachable. i wish i didn't care about people as much as i do and i wish i didn't let things upset me so much. But this is me, all in all, i'm not going to change. i'm going to always be the sweet little girl who tries to make everyone happy, sacrificing my own happiness. i don't have anything inspring to say or anything that's going to brighten your day. i just needed to vent. & that's exactly what i did.

[[as for Richard, he was great until he dumped me for his ex, i took him back, it happened again. he's a great guy that i kept falling for, Thank God i'm finally over it. i "loved" him but now i'm not so sure that i did. i don't know. i guess i can add that to the long list of mistakes i have made this year.]]

let it go(:

haha, anyway i thought i would update you on how my life as been going since my last entry. well, i've got a boyfriend. we've been dating for less than a day but we've been talking for like two weeks. he's so sweet but that's how they all start out. as for my ex-boyfriend, i care but not as much as i did. i miss him but i'm getting over it. he was too old for me and it was inevitable that we were going to end one day. we don't talk much. i haven't spoke to him since thursday and i don't plan on it. i'm going to let it go, we might end up friends and if not, oh well. that would be his loss. my weekend went pretty good. friday night, i baby sitted (like always) then saturday night, i went to the movies with richard and his friend jeremy. my bestfriend courtney was suppose to go but couldn't because she was in rocky mount. i wanted my bestfriend lindsey to go but she didn't have a ride. ): so yeah, jeremy was kinda singled out. At the movies, richard was so sweet. he held my hand alot and put his arm around me. i felt so special, that always happens the first time i chill with a guy. i'm feeling good about him though. i am worried that we won't work out because he lives in ronoake rapids and it's going to be hard to see him every weekend, but i'm going to try my damnest. let's look at the happy things that are happening and lose sight of the bad, for now. right now, i'm in my favorite class, freshman seminar with mr.long. he's hilarious and i've learned alot from him. he's the only teacher that saw me sling a fit over steven. even when i was balling my eyes out, mr.long made me laugh. i will always remember him even when i'm long gone from this highschool. class of 2013, babyy! well, that's pretty much it for today so far. i get out of school at two o' clock. there's a game at northeast against my school, i want to go but i can bet money that mom won't let me. ): later alligator! (in a while crocodile. -lindsey. hahah) -lauren loves lindseybabyy(:

well...(continued)

today is january 8th, 2009. And guess what?! he came back. the boy i was talking about in the previous blog. i find it amusing because i knew he would. i'm having a problem deciding what to do. he hurt me and has made me cry 4 times hysterically when we were only dating a month and a half. i feel like going back to him would be like shooting myself in the foot. pointless and hurting myself. you're suppose to teach people how to treat you, i'm not doing a good job. i'm teaching him it's okay to put me through crap, i don't deserve, for no reason. he dumped me on my birthday. technically i dumped him because he said "we need to talk because i don't think we're working out anymore." i had heard he was going to dump me because i was immature, so i got upset and said "well fck it, fck u. i'm done. get your class ring after this class." (we were texting) i don't regret it at all, it was what i wanted to be free of his mess so i should be happy now, i should be able to tell him "no, i don't want or need you back. you don't know what love is and i'm sick of it." i tried last night but i ended up writing this long picture message with a picture of us and the song he sent me (him playing "you and me" by lifehouse) describing my feelings and how i would get over them because he obviously didn't want me anymore, then he sent a sad face. then we argued over texts, then i told him to call me or leave me alone because i was getting sick of texting him. ahhhhhhh! we talked, we argued, he hung up, i called back, we talked, i cried, we argued, i hung up, he called back, we talked, i hung up, he called back then i said i was going to call some one else then i hung up. today, at school he hasn't made an effort to talk to me at all, and though it doesn't really bother me i wish he would. but it's whatever, i'll get over it. i always do. i will be deleting this blog because i hate having reminders of past relationships. goodbye. -laurennn.<>

well...

this one's not going to be very cheerful. my boyfriend dumped me after a month and a half, the very day after my birthday. i was all too pieces, even worse he didn't give me a reason. so all i have to say, is i'm sorry for the wasted time. i shouldn't have taken him back after he had messed up once but that's how us girls are. we strive for love and we sacrifice our hearts for it. Dumb decision, i'm done. i'm going to delete this blog soon. goodbye. -lauren